Why Narcissists Feed Off Empaths & how to stop it..

In my adult life, especially my career, I’ve had to up-skill in the deep psychology of personality disorders, including the the dark triad : narcissism, machiavellianism and psychopathy. Lets kick off with the narc…

We often hear that narcissists are attracted to empaths because empaths are kind, forgiving and easy to manipulate but it goes wayyyy deeper than that. Many empaths are actually hard to manipulate for starters, and they play a good game in which they are actually utilising the narc to learn and grow stronger within themselves, such as the alchemist empath which is the category i fall into!

A person with strong narcissistic traits may be drawn to a highly empathic person because the empath possesses something they desperately need: an emotional world they can plug into.Empaths feel deeply. They notice. They connect. They pick up what sits underneath words and often see the vulnerability underneath difficult behaviour.

In my case, I can normally see into their soul - thats been my gift in life - and I can see the social and cultural conditioning thats causing their manipulation and damaged ego antics. I would never underestimate an empath because the more developed ones are the less obvious.

To someone whose sense of self depends heavily on how they are perceived by others, this attention combined with control and ego-boost can be intoxicating to the narc. because the empath doesn't simply admire them….

The empath animates them.

The empath becomes the mirror

Narcissism is often misunderstood as excessive self-love, but narc traits can exist alongside a surprisingly unstable sense of self — one that requires continual reinforcement from outside themselves.

Attention. Admiration. Status. Desire. Reaction. Validation. Someone else has to keep reflecting back: You matter. You're impressive. You're desirable. You're special, and highly empathic people can be exceptionally powerful mirrors because they don't just see who somebody is. They see who they could be.

This is where empathy can become dangerous, because understanding why somebody behaves badly can very easily become a reason for continuing to tolerate the behaviour, but understanding someone and being safe with them are two entirely different things.

When being “seen” isn't the same as being known

Some narcissistic people are exceptionally good at reading others. They notice what people respond to. They learn what creates admiration. They understand vulnerability and become remarkably skilled at changing themselves according to the person or room.

Sadly they lack the integrity to be an authentic person. They trip themselves up with over-use of the type of tactics which in today’s world we are all already clued up on. Such as fake mirroring!

However reading emotion isn't the same as experiencing empathy because someone can create connection to control. This is why the beginning of these relationships can feel extraordinary, when the empath feels unusually seen. Someone appear to share their humour, values, interests, ambitions and sensitivities.

The empath thinks ‘Finally. Someone like me’. But what they are encountering isn't similarity.

It's adaptation.

Empathy needs a gatekeeper

The empath's greatest strength can therefore become their greatest blind spot. They reassure. Forgive. Explain. Encourage. Look beneath behaviour. See potential. Give another chance. But empathy without boundaries eventually becomes self-abandonment.

You can understand someone's childhood and still leave. You can recognise their insecurity and still refuse their control. You can see the goodness inside someone while acknowledging that their behaviour is destructive.

The question isn't always: Why are they behaving like this? Sometimes the far more important question is:

What happens to me when they behave like this?

Don't become less empathic

After experiencing this dynamic, people often decide they need to become harder, more suspicious and less open. I don't think that's the lesson. The lesson is to remain deeply empathic while becoming deeply discerning.

Watch whether someone's actions match their words.

Notice what happens when you disagree with them. Notice whether they respect boundaries when those boundaries inconvenience them. And above all, notice whether you become more yourself around them — or progressively less.

The greatest protection against narcissistic dynamics isn't becoming brilliant at identifying narcissists. It's becoming so anchored in yourself that you recognise much earlier when somebody requires you to abandon yourself in order to keep them.

Your empathy is not the problem. Giving someone unlimited access to it is.

And I say this to every woman I coach - to anchor yourself fully you have got to be in your own lane.